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Message |
    
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 552
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 8:01 am: | 
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Do Old Jack Proud
(with thanks to Mick & Keith)
I live in an old attic on the 3rd floor of my block
I sit at home looking in the mirror wondering about the world inside
When up pops a guy who calls himself Jack.
Hey you do old Jack proud
Hey you do old Jack proud
Don’t hang about boy, two whores a crowd.
Mirror keeps talking and I play hide and seek with the voice all the time
The voice says Hi, hello, how are you,
Well I guess I’m doing time
Cutting too many throats and the people want my head
But I feel so tired that I’ll cut the maid instead.
Hey you do old Jack proud
Hey you do old Jack proud
Don’t hang about boy, two whores a crowd.
I’m sick and tired cutting all these whores
So I took myself off to town
But I laid another one down
So tired that I started to dream
That I’d done another two.
Hey you do old Jack proud
Hey you do old Jack proud
Don’t hang about boy, two whores a crowd.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1311
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 8:55 am: |
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Loved it, AP. I thought you said you couldn't do this sort of stuff?
Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1312
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 9:22 am: |
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I'd like to hear Frank Ifield yodelling this one :
I dismember you.
You're the one who made my dreams come true
A few fishes ago.
I remember too the kidney hells
And tarts that fell like rain out of the blue.
When my life is through
And the angels ask me to recall
The skill of it all
Then I will tell them I dismembered you.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 553
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 11:26 am: |
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That was a real rip, Robert.
I laughed out loud. I can actually hear Frank singing that. I have been working on Sinatra's 'I did it my way'. |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 554
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 11:28 am: |
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That’s me and that’s Jack II
When I tilt the mirror this way and that
I see myself in the ceiling with Jack.
I lay on the floor and hold it above my head
I see Jack laying there as if he is dead.
We both lay flat
That’s me and that’s Jack.
I creep up on the mirror to catch him unaware
But you can’t catch Jack he’s always there.
He turns his head and I do the same
Both of us smile at our secret little game.
Nobody else may look in the vision
For it belongs to me without division
Jack talks to me, and me alone
His secrets only to me are known.
He blesses me for giving him sight
He whispers to me in the dead of night
His voice sounds like it comes from a tin
Wavering and high and stretched steel thin
There are slight rustles and squeaks
Just before Jack speaks:
‘One mouse is one mouse, two mice is more
Three mice is fine but Jack likes four.’
The fly comes and lands on his eye
Jack blinks and so do I.
With his hand he squashes it splat
That’s me and that’s Jack.
I cover Jack up during the day
Jack just likes it better that way
Then at night I remove the cover
And gently whisper kiss my lover.
I take his hand and he takes mine
And in the gloom we do entwine.
We walk forever in the river and streams
And Jack is always there in my dreams.
If I drop from high he catches me in his arms
He lays me down to warm me with his charms
When the nightmares come again
Jack will wipe away the pain
He touches my soul
That’s me and that’s Jack.
‘One has two and two have one
Watch the little rabbit run
Three have four and four have three
Watch the little rabbit flee
Five have six and six have five
Watch the little rabbit hide
Seven have eight and eight have seven
Little rabbit gone to heaven.’
That’s Jack.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1313
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 1:13 pm: |
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Marvellous! I liked that even more than the first.
AP, forget "My Way" for a minute, and see if you can do a Part Three.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 556
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 1:35 pm: |
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'Regrets I've had a few
but too few to really mention
and whores I killed 'em all
without exemption...'
Oh all right Robert I'll do part three.
Thanks. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1323
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 6:37 pm: |
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Hi AP
With apologies to Ike and Tina Turner.
He goes from his house
Into a doss house.
He's scarcely more than nineteen
And he's trying to keep the city clean.
They call him Cutbush,
Oh Cutbush.
It's the Cutbush City Limits.
He can throw you right down the stair,
He can kill you in Mitre Square,
Put you down in his directory,
Or put you down for hysterectomy.
They call him Cutbush
Oh Cutbush
It's the Cutbush City Limits.
He's all out of scale -
He sends kidneys in mail.
If he doesn't go to Broadmoor
I guess he'll go to jail.
They call him Cutbush
Oh Cutbush
It's the Cutbush City Limits.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 562
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 2:55 am: |
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Now, that is funny, Robert.
Again I laughed out loud.
I'm just a tad jealous that I didn't think of that first, it is so suitable.
There must be others out there staring us right in the face. What about 'Jack the Knife'?
Mary, I once knew a girl called Mary
now suddenly I find
her heart is in my hand etc.
I must think on. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1325
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 7:10 am: |
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Thanks AP
With apologies to Max Miller's Court :
I fell in love with Mary from the dairy,
But Mary wouldn't fall in love with me.
To Miller's Court they’d stream,
The punters got their dream.
Little did she know that I was thinking up a scheme.
She said "Joe, have you been to County Kerry?
Or Cork or Limerick with pastures green?"
But she played me for a fool –
Wouldn't milk Joe Barnett's bull,
And it was only Prater's cat that got the bloody cream.
I stole fish from the market for that Mary,
So she could dine on herring, cod and bream.
She just droned of violet plucking,
I couldn’t get no peace
(Never say us Billingsgate lads can't talk nice and clean).
She told me to sod off and pick some daisies.
Now she's pushing daisies up in graveyard scene.
I'd reach out in the night,
Jump out of bed in fright –
Some unexpected visitor had shoved herself between.
She told me "Ireland's beautiful and airy.
We've got the finest calves you've ever seen."
I don't do things by halves,
I stripped her bloody calves,
For Mary wouldn't fall in love with me.
Robert
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AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 563
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 1:19 pm: |
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Robert, that was a peach.
I’m almost ashamed to post this poor excuse after your blinder.
What the hell, its only art.
With apologies.
Jack the Knife
When the whore bites
With her teeth dear
Scarlet pillows
Start to spread
Yes when the knife falls
When Jacky strikes, dear
There’s always a trace of red
Yes when the knife falls
On the right babe
Then Jackys back in town
She got cut dear
After spending all of Joe’s hard earned cash
And Jacky rips like a butcher
Mary Kelly, Catherine Eddowes
Long Liz Stride and Annie Chapman
Yes when the knife falls
On the right babe
Then Jackys back in town.
Mary Nichols, Martha Tabram
Annie Farmer and Frances Coles
Yes when the knife falls
On the right babe
Then Jackys back in town.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1329
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 4:04 pm: |
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Bravo, AP. I'd have liked to hear Sinatra singing those lyrics!
A quick message from Pink Floyd :
We don't need no mutilation,
We don't need no gaping hole.
No death throe spasm
When he slash them.
Jacky leave them whores alone.
Hey Jacky leave them whores alone.
All in all you're just another scrawl on the wall.
Frankie again :
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now innerds show
And anything goes.
Killers too who once were better turds
Now only use chalk-lettered words
Ripping pros
And anything goes.
For Jack has gone mad today
And he's bad today
And black's white today
And day's night today,
I guess today
Police success today
Is just silly figure O.
Now Jacky's not a great romancer
So I know that he's bound to answer
When whores propose
Anything goes.
Robert
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1338
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 9:39 am: |
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Hi again AP
Any time you're East End way,
Any evening, any day,
You'll find them all
Doing the Ripper walk.
Every foreign tourist gal
With her foreign tourist pal,
You'll find them all
Doing the Ripper walk.
Hearing the guide ain't easy,
And it could make you queasy,
While locals call out "Hey there!
Play fair,
Don't stay there!"
After disembowelment spiel,
Pop in pub and have a meal,
You'll find them all
Doing the Ripper walk.
Who cares if rain comes on now,
All of the sites long gone now?
Better than watching TV
Oprah
Winfrey.
Any time you're East End way,
Any evening, any day,
You'll find them all
Doing the Ripper walk.
Robert
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AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 565
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 9:39 am: |
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That’s me and that’s Jack III
The mirror was neither broken or repaired
But of the mirror I am now truly scared.
For it speaks to me in different tones
Of blood, disease, death and bones.
His eyes blaze like burning coal
His words do burn my very soul.
He speaks of hell fire be damned
And of sharp blades to be rammed
Of black hole, wound and rancid gape
Of bloody fields of blasted bloody wheat
Of sacrifice and sacrament of wine to grape
Of blood in eyes and blood beneath my feet.
No more the soothing rhythm of two or one
No more the soothing run little rabbit run
No more the mice count up and down
No more does Jack play the clown.
He rustles and squeaks, Jack
S p e a k s:
‘You may show yourself to me
But others must me never see.
The defective will not be reflected.
They must not glimpse my vision
This is my final decision.
Only you alone may come into my view
If others come you know what I shall do.
You will take the vision’s blade
And with it my decision made.
None shall escape once they have seen
The vision of where only you have been.
Even your kith and kin
They will know why
For if they commit this sin
They too shall die.
To preserve the vision you must cut fast
When they bleed then the vision will last.
You must gather the harvest before it is sown
And exact the repayment before the loan.
You must bring the offerings here to me
So that you in the vision the offerings see.
On days when there are no offerings to give
I will demand some cuts so you might live.
If a whole week passes where my altar is bare
You must cut your kin and then you I will spare.’
With rustles and squeaks
Jack no longer speaks.
So I put his cover back
That’s me and that’s Jack.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1339
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 9:54 am: |
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Our posts arrived at the same time. I wish they'd got mixed up in the aether, because I'd rather have written yours than mine. Magnificent stuff, AP! You can keep this up till Christmas, as far as I'm concerned. I'm just enjoying it.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 567
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 10:31 am: |
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Thanks Robert
I enjoyed your 'Ripper Walk' as well.
Can you imagine going on a Ripper walk with all the posters on these boards?
It would make the England V Australia rugby final look like a walk in the park.
I fear there would be much bashing of heads. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1342
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 12:40 pm: |
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Yes AP, I fear the walks would have to be continually expanded to take in the sites of the murders committed on previous walks.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 570
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 5:35 pm: |
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East End Girls
(with sincere apologies to the Beach Boys)
Well, them East End girls, I like to rip
I really rip them inside out
And those East End girls like to scream and shout
I really knock them out.
I wish they could all be East End girls
Oh yes I wish they could be all East End girls.
Those East End girls walk the streets at night
And the East End has the darkest streets around
So a scream from an East End girl is a sound
That in the East End can be so easily found.
Oh I wish they could all be East End girls
Yes I wish they could all be East End girls.
Now the East End market porter’s daughters
Really make you feel all right
They take all your money and hold it real tight
And when you try to rip ‘em they really fight.
Yes, I wish they could all be East End girls
Oh yes I wish they could all be East End girls.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1348
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 6:33 pm: |
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Enjoyed that, AP. I like the Beach Boys. "God only knows" was a classic.
Apologies to the Beatles :
On my way down Berner Street the other night,
Drove in with my horse and cart.
Someone lying there and so I struck a light,
Man I got a dreadful start.
I bet that was you JTR.
Don't know how lucky you are, boy.
Bet that was you JTR.
Straightened up and tried to keep myself real calm.
So that was why the pony shied.
Ran into the drinking club to raise alarm,
Man they did their nuts inside.
I bet that was you JTR.
Don't know how lucky you are, boy.
Bet that was you JTR.
Now East End girls they scream and shout,
And leave the West behind.
And round here girls always hang about,
But my wife's always on my mi-mi-mi-mi-mind.
Soon I heard the policemen's whistles ringing out,
Everywhere a uniform.
Went into the club and had a glass of stout,
Man this place is getting warm.
I bet that was you JTR.
Don't know how lucky you are, boy.
Bet that was you JTR.
Robert
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Severn
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 4:32 pm: |
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An Imaginary Conversation between Vincent Van Gogh and Catharine Eddowes in the Hereafter.
A line of people waiting ...
Vincent: Have you been here long?
Kate:Yes.They don"t know what to make of me.Saint or sinner.
Vincent:They "ll probably have the same trouble with me I expect.
Kate :Why who are you?
Vincent:I"m a painter.My name is Vincent Van Gogh.
What"s yours?
Kate: My name is Kate.My problem was I drank too much and couldn"t think straight.
Vincent:Same here.It all got too much in the end.
Kate:Well I lost it one day and got locked up for a few hours in the police station.When I got out I was easy prey...ever heard of Jack the Ripper?
Vincent: Dont think I have[looks properly at Kate
for the first time]Did he do that to your face?
Kate.He did ...Vincent......can I sk you what happened to your ear?
Vincent:[looks troubled]..well it was self inflicted actually.I cut my ear of over a girl?
Kate:Get off.Whatever for?
Vincent:She didnt want me.I fellin love with her.
I wrapped it in newspaper and took it to her in the brothel.
Kate[astonished by now]...but what good would that be to her? Did she collect ears or something?
[begins to look suspicious]---HEY she didnt collect kidneys as well did she?
[to be continued]
Natalie
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AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 571
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 1:07 pm: |
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That was me and that’s Jack
The first red drop appeared
As if seared
Within his fear.
Rolled slowly across the vision’s face
Then fell to carpet to leave red trace.
Then more red drops came, one by one
And down the vision’s face did run.
He took a cloth that wound to heal
And with that cloth his fate did seal.
For soon the vision was awash in red
Just as the vision in mirror had said.
And as fast as he wiped the vision free
The blood ran so much faster than he.
Blood red arms and blood red hands
Blood red stains where blood red lands.
The cloth he held was blood red soaked
‘Now is the time, boy,’ the vision croaked
Spitting blood on which the boy choked.
‘Run little rabbit run,’ said voice in his head
But too late, for little rabbit was already dead.
A.P. News. London. Press Release.
9th March 2004.
Three members of a Kennington family, and an employee, are tonight in the intensive care ward of St. Thomas’ Hospital after being savagely attacked in their home by a fourth member of the family. It is understood that one of the injured is a senior serving police officer in the Metropolitan Force.
A police spokesman confirmed:
‘A young man is being held in protective custody at Broadmoor Hospital in connection with this horrifying and brutal attack. He is considered unfit to stand trial so no charges are expected to be brought in connection with this tragic incident.’
The police spokesman was unable to confirm that the man in custody was connected to the recent spate of shocking murders of prostitutes in the capital but was able to say that the files had now been closed in those murder investigations.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1359
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 1:47 pm: |
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Natalie, AP
I was right into that, Natalie. Looking forward to next part.
PS I almost missed it. Hope you get registered soon.
AP, another fine instalment. "The blood ran so much faster than he" was a terrific line.
I liked the press release too.
PS AP, I looked up Cutbush in the 1901 census, but he was only there under "TC". In fact, most of the patients were only listed by initials. Any idea why?
Robert |
Natalie Severn
Police Constable
Username: Severn
Post Number: 2
Registered: 11-2003
| | Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 4:45 pm: |
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Robert.I have just lost the next instalment.However-I have enjoyed these last posts of yours and A.P.s [superb some of them in the last day or two].Will continue as soon as I can.Natalie |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1363
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 5:10 pm: |
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Thanks Natalie. Hope to hear from you soon.
Robert |
Natalie Severn
Police Constable
Username: Severn
Post Number: 3
Registered: 11-2003
| | Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 5:30 pm: |
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The line of people is joined by a rather bedraggled man.
Vincent;Hello-are you alright old chap.Do you want to sit with us here?
Bedraggled man;Thankyou,Thankyou you are very kind.
Vincent;Do let me introduce myself.Iam Vincent and this is Kate who i myself have only just met.
[Kate nods towards the newcomer]
Bedraggled man;I"m Montague.{stares ahead unseeingly]
Kate;Why we are a pretty bunch today.Where have you been to get so drenched?
Montague;I"ve been in the Thames.
Kate;The Thames!Whats next then.What were you doing in the Thames or shouldn"t I ask!
Montague;Certainly you can ask.I drowned myself.
Vincent;Well you"re not alone Sir I too did away with myself.
Montague;Oh really.What happened to you.?
Vincent;I shot myself.It was that or go back to the loony bin.
Kate;This goes from bad to worse.Is there anywhere here you can get a drop of the hard stuff?
Vincent and Montague together[a bit disapproving]both shake heads -Very much doubt it.
Kate sits back with a look of annoyance.
Vincent;May I ask why you took such action?
Montague;Looks very serious and intense.]I"m Jack the Ripper.After Friday [my last was on a Friday in Millers Court] I had had enough.I knew like you did that it was either the asylum or this
and this seemed the best for everybody.
Kate;[protesting now]You"re not Jack the Ripper get away with you.I SHOULD KNOW MATE!!!
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