| Author |
Message |
    
Caroline Anne Morris
Inspector
Username: Caz
Post Number: 440
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 15, 2003 - 5:34 am: | 
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Hi AP, Robert,
I survived several swims off the north western tip of Mauritius three years ago - without the aid of Cornwellian or similar bespoke shark distractions. I heard one shark mutter on seeing me floating on me back that he was off his food. His mate replied yes me too, it's something in the water.
Jaws? What jaws? Don't tell me, an SSB and a cuppa. Cheers! 
Carry on sailors.
Love,
Caz |
Robert Charles Linford
Chief Inspector
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1000
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 15, 2003 - 5:50 am: |
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Hi Caz
Well, I seem to be in a minority here. I will never be eaten by a shark while swimming off Mauritius - because I can't swim! (though I did once take off my anorak on the beach).
PS The beach was at Yarmouth.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 431
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 15, 2003 - 3:12 pm: |
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Jolly Jack Tars
Eventually the ship left harbour to great fanfare
and all came down to wave, even old Jack was there.
But once at sea there came great cry of ‘good grief!’
For trusty old vessel has struck a hidden reef.
And as she went down with all two of her crew
A faint cry was heard: ‘Damn you AP, it’s you I’ll sue!’
They clung to flotsam and drifted on tide
And thus explored the oceans far and wide.
Until they made landfall at far flung Cape Weary
Where they bored penguins with interminable theory.
Now all the penguins of the region waddle and crow:
‘I know who that Jack was! It was that Joe!!!’
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1003
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 15, 2003 - 4:30 pm: |
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Loved it! Very funny indeed, AP.
Then was revealed to their anxious scrutiny
A scene of Ripperological mutiny :
Harr harr, Jim lad, with his infamous log,
Was dosed up on arsenic, sick as a dog.
"Harr harr, me hearties!" Jim he cried.
"Hearties? No heart!" the others replied.
Cabin boy Cutbush, cursed by fate,
Flew around screaming "Pieces of hate!"
Poor old Druitt, sad and alone,
Went for a paddle and sank like a stone.
They tried to eat but never got fed –
Sir William Gull swooped, and pinched their bread.
They used Michael Caine’s acting to make a raft,
And off they all sailed while the penguins laughed.
Wrapper on beach, discarded, forgot,
Had a map with the words "X marks the spot."
Robert
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AP Wolf
Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 434
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 15, 2003 - 6:43 pm: |
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An absolute belter, Robert.
Very deep, when you study it amore.
I did like in particular the image of 'Cabin Boy Cutbush' which is exactly how I have always seen him, at the behest and quest of higher powers, like uncle double captain Henry... Morgan?
Shiver me timbers, there's pirates about
young Jack better watch out. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1005
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 15, 2003 - 7:04 pm: |
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Thanks, AP.
Must just mention a story I read in a book on Columbus. I'm not sure whether it's true, but it's funny.
Apparently Columbus offered a princely sum to the first man to spy land. Unfortunately this set everyone off yelling "Land ahead" at any cloud on the horizon or any optical illusion born of wishful thinking. It was Bedlam, and in the end he had to threaten them with punishment if they didn't shut up.
Robert |
Steven Atkins
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 15, 2003 - 2:05 pm: |
|
Dear all,
Once again I fear it is time to inflict upon you another five liner(A format originally conceived in Mary Kelly's hometown of course).
An unfortunate named Mary Kelly
Whos good name had taken some welly
once crooned a sad tune
to the light of the moon
whilst Jack plunged his knife in her belly
Steven |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1023
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 10:11 am: |
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Hi Steven
Does Jack wear rubber soles?
Or are his shoes made of holes?
When he runs riot,
Why so quiet?
Perhaps he lies down and just rolls.
Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1024
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 10:22 am: |
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Well, here’s another crazy hip-hop effort :
QUEST
Sunset, soulrise
Jack quick, time flies.
Thrust rip tear slash
Fingers in slit and hand in gash.
Fisherman’s Widow. Nice.
Stab, hack, twist the blade,
Throw the spoil and ram the spade.
Scoop the hollow, peel and pare,
Sift and brush for something there,
For shattered walls and household charred,
Huddled bones and city scarred,
In heartfelt yearning
To stop wrong turning.
Drop trowel
And howl.
Earnest unstuffing
Leads to nothing.
For rip, rip as fast as you can,
You can’t catch him, he’s the Gingerbread Man.
Clay flung
Lifewheel
No hands
Blind reel
Wrong shape
Mudmire
Devil bake
Devil fire.
Small whore
Meets clay
Wrong world
Wrong day
Small room
Chapel rest
Empty gloom
Devil blest.
Kitten mew. Kit-kit-kit
Kit laid out and ready for inspection.
Stand by your bed. Neat. Perfection.
Cut ear hold mine listen for clue,
No sea tide out took me too.
Eeny meeny miny mo
Grab the heart it’s time to go.
Soulset, sunrise
Whore killed, Jack dies.
Fisherman’s Widow. Nice.
Robert
|
AP Wolf
Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 439
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 5:16 pm: |
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Steven
the dreaded Irish things again!
I did enjoy it, just find them hard work to do myself.
However I shall attempt another, spurred on by your contribution. |
AP Wolf
Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 440
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 5:20 pm: |
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Well Robert
I thought your 'Quest' to be quite marvelous.
I will need to read it a couple more times to truly absorb it - mainly because I've been absorbing far too much in the way of alcohol this past weekend - and then will get back to you... and also attempt to better it, in vain no doubt. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1036
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 7:13 pm: |
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IN THE PUB
East Enders, with angry sound
Were discussing the crimes when they found
That a man upped and went,
So they chased the poor gent....
He left when it was his round.
Robert |
Steven Atkins
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 10:53 am: |
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Hi AP,
I have found your contributions very enjoyable too.
I like the challenge that writing limericks brings.
What I try to do is to include as much information as possible given the five line limmitation.
Also and most importantly,I endevour to keep the rhythm intact.
I find myself having to "Pad out" certain lines by inserting extra words to keep it all flowing smoothly,whilst still making some sort of sense!
Anyway,I am glad that I have inspired you to carry on with some more.
Robert,
I like your "Rubber Sole" and your "East enders" rhymes,keep them comming!
Best regards,
Steven |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1040
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 12:04 pm: |
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Thanks Steven, I like yours too.
IN THE PUB 2
So I said to young Jacky, the pup :
"Put down that pint that you sup!
I'll rhyme your name
In a Limerick game."
"Kosminski" he said. I gave up.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 442
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 12:39 pm: |
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There was a young fellow from Kent
who followed a most unusual bent
for he liked to chop up whores
on the street and indoors
so a move to East-End was heaven-sent.
|
AP Wolf
Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 443
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 12:47 pm: |
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Robert
I think 'Quest' to be the finest thing I have read for some considerable time, in this strange world and in the great outside. It is truly excellent, full of menace, shadows and sorrow.
And I enjoy its radical style and even more radical change of style.
It is too good to be classified as 'Hip-Hop', as full as hidden dread as it is.
There are so many bits that I like that I will have to read it a few more times, however: 'Fisherman's Widow. Nice' is just so masterful.
I aim to better it, but probably can't.
You have my congratulations for such a moving piece. |
AP Wolf
Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 444
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 12:50 pm: |
|
Thanks Steven
as you can see I have made a poor attempt. Not a patch on yours or Roberts but I am trying. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1041
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 12:51 pm: |
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Another young fellow from Norfolk
Decided to frighten the poor folk.
He came to their slums,
Downed twenty-five rums,
Went out and downed all of their whore folk.
Robert
|
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1042
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 12:56 pm: |
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Hi AP
Your remarks about "Quest" must have come through while I was typing the Limerick. Thanks very much!
My money's on you to top it, though.
Liked the Limerick, AP.
Robert |
Caroline Anne Morris
Inspector
Username: Caz
Post Number: 452
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 21, 2003 - 3:53 am: |
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A nice young lad from Sussex
One day took a U-turn at ethics
Swerved at Angel and narrowly missed us
Drove his new toy into Seven Sisters
That son of a whore from Sussex
Love,
Caz
|
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1050
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 21, 2003 - 4:11 am: |
|
Thanks for that, Caz.
IN THE PUB 3
An eminent Ripper spotter
Homeward from pub did totter.
With twelve whiskies inside,
He couldn't say 'Stride'
Let alone pronounce 'Gustafsdotter'.
Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1051
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 21, 2003 - 6:47 am: |
|
Hi AP
EVIL
No oil painting, all in all.
May have been once, but fell off the wall.
Stables at rear -
Polly, I fear
With that face you belong in the stall.
Footsteps! Leave her sprawled on the path.
Shock for the carman, oh what a laugh.
Will get it right
Another night,
But now, I need a good bath.
Mouse half-eaten on the track,
With the dark in her eyes and death in her crack,
While the zigzag slash
Of the thunderbolt crash
Lights up the world of Jack.
Perhaps he'll mistake her for tarpaulin.
Funny old start to a hard day's haulin'.
Strange cargo is this,
Not worth a p*ss,
And the angels keep on fallin'.
Robert
|
Steven Atkins
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 11:33 am: |
|
Hi,
Seeing as I haven't yet covered all of Jack's Victims,I have decided that Mary Ann Nichols deserves a go.
A confident whore nik-named Polly
Once needed to make her "Doss lolly"
but fourpence of gin sipped
she soon ended up Ripped
Then to Golden lane wheeled on a trolly!
Steven |
Steven Atkins
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 1:20 pm: |
|
Hi again,
I offer two more in the form of a revised and improved version of my last one,along with another telling of the sad dimise of poor Annie Chapman.
A confident whore nik-named Polly
once boasted "I'll get my "Doss lolly"
With new bonnet equipped,
alas ended up ripped,
then to Golden lane wheeled on a trolly
When "Dearstalker" met Annie he told her
"I will pay you more as you are older"
"I like ex-peri-ence,
but she soon hit the fence,
With her guts pulled out over her shoulder!
Steven
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1053
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 21, 2003 - 10:11 am: |
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Well done Steven. There's a veritable landslide of Limericks on these Boards!
My name is Jack, and I'm prone
To make all the shopkeepers groan.
They shriek and they shrill
That whenever I kill
I just lower the neighbourhood tone.
Druitt abandoned life's joys
And sank in the Thames with no noise.
Though unbalanced his mind,
His top coat was lined
With four stones in each pocket - that's poise!
Robert
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