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Sergeant Charles Eyton
Unregistered guest
Posted on Wednesday, April 27, 2005 - 1:16 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

If you haven't heard this, you don't know Jack! Get it? It's a joke, aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!

I have just come into the possession of some very incriminating evidence against a certain soldier.

A Corporal Jack Thripper who served in London from 1884-1888 was noted by a superior, a Colonel Cathcart that he was missing the night of Martha Tabram's murder.

When he turned up the next morning, he was drenched in blood, but his fellow soldiers thought nothing of it and simply assumed he'd been hunting Tower of London ravens as soldiers were prone to do after a few.

However when all the Tower's ravens were accounted for a Captain Aardvark made his own inquiries into his colleague. What I have in my possession is Captain Aardvark's diary. Aardvark who was known as "Arfy" affectionately by his friends intensified his interest in Corporal Thripper.

Arfy began to record Thripper's movements. On the night of Nichols' murder Thripper was noted to be out. Not only that, Arfy documented that he held a large knife in his hand when he left and muttered the ominous words "I'm going to kill a prostitute." Any other night these words have been mandatory, but when Nichols turned up dead for work the next day, Arfy was sure he had his man.

Arfy was prepared to tell the police, so says the diary on the third of September, but unfortunately that was the last entry. Captain Ardvark was to die in a mysterious incident involving a gun and his face.

Nobody else took up the trail of Corporal Jack Thripper, until the tenth of September, a couple of days after Chapman's murder. It was the day that Jack Thripper brought a uterus into the mess hall. When asked whose it was, he quickly panicked and said it was his. But some people were suspicious of this fact, but they more or less left Thripper and his uterus in peace.

It was reported however that someone did have a problem with the situation, the mess officer Lieutenant Milo Minderbinder who believed it was bad for business. There an altercation between the two and Minderbinder ended up with a face full of vagina.

Milo decided to spread vicious rumours about Thripper and consequentially found Arfy's diary in the process. (Obviously I have Milo's diary as well.) He too became convinced of Thripper's guilt and decided to go a step further and follow Thripper when he stalked the night.

The thirtieth of September was one such night he followed him. When he saw Thripper with a prostitute he ducked down a side street and waited. When Thripper turned up with Elizabeth Stride the two men saw each other, but the moment was quickly diffused when an old Jewish man walked past. Thripper made a Jewish reference and quick as a flash Milo ran out of the side street, grabbed Thripper's wallet and buggered off.

The next day in the mess hall Thripper went one better and brought both a uterus and a kidney in. He was also writing a letter, but eating at same time meant he got bolognaise all over it.

Milo was fuming, he had to get this bastard back, but he didn't get his opportunity until the ninth of November. Following him once again he saw Thripper meet up with Mary Kelly. Being a regular himself Milo knew where her room was and ran ahead of them, he grabbed a completely different prostitute, murdered her horribly in Kelly's bed and hid in the corner to await the result of his hilarious practical joke.

Thripper and Kelly walked in, and were shocked at what they saw. Kelly ran out yelling "murder!" but Thripper was paralysed with shock. That's when Milo jumped up and cried "Gotcha!"

"You bastard." said Thripper.
Then they both had a cup of tea, let bygones be bygones, and became the best of friends.

Then a couple of days later Jack Thripper died of Hepatitis B.

The End.

I think you have to admit, it clears up every single problem within the Ripper case, I think it remains quite important that everyone remembers just who brought all this to light.

Your fellow ripperologist,

Sergeant Charles Eyton.
(The guy who also brought you the Reverend Eustace Blackerby hoax)
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Candy Morgan
Police Constable
Username: Candy

Post Number: 10
Registered: 4-2004
Posted on Thursday, April 28, 2005 - 11:07 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Sounds more like something Corp. Thripper's roommates Janet and Krissy overheard him talking about on the phone...

...and zanyness ensued.


Phear my 1337 HTML skillz!
(does anybody know how to do italics in sig files?)
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Chris Phillips
Chief Inspector
Username: Cgp100

Post Number: 896
Registered: 2-2003
Posted on Thursday, April 28, 2005 - 12:24 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Shouldn't this be in the "Creative Writing" section?

Chris Phillips



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Brad McGinnis
Inspector
Username: Brad

Post Number: 246
Registered: 4-2003
Posted on Thursday, April 28, 2005 - 10:08 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Is this the same Milo Minderbinder who went on to figure prominately in Joseph Hellers "Catch 22"?
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ex PFC Wintergreen
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, April 29, 2005 - 4:44 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

What you mean like Colonel Cathcart and Captain Aardvark (Arfy)?
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Pearly Poll
Unregistered guest
Posted on Sunday, May 22, 2005 - 1:36 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I'm sure there was an ex PFC Wintergreen in there somewhere as well.
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Sam
Unregistered guest
Posted on Saturday, June 25, 2005 - 10:58 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

This evidence that Milo murdered a prostitue, and Mary was alive would also exlain this theory of Mary being the Ripper - it's in Suspects - 'Jill the Ripper' - then Mary Jane Kelly - The Ripper?

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